THOM NICKELS
Now that Philadelphia
Why stop at soda,
after all? The truth is that in time the benefits from the soda tax will do
little or nothing to help fund the city’s preK (expensive daycare) program.
That’s because the tax money from all those Coke, Pepsi and fruit juice sales
(some markets have included hot sauces in the sugary drink tax) are being
funneled to other sources like the city’s fund balance. This time next year,
with sugary drink consumption way down in the city because of the extra cost,
His Honor and City Council will be looking at other possible tax sources.
Don’t be surprised if
the mayor announces that super sweet cereals should be taxed, along with
processed meats, frozen French fries and microwave popcorn. Microwave popcorn,
after all, contains diacetyl, perfluorooctanoic acid and plenty of trans fats,
a far more unhealthy food than your average sugary drink. The mayor will
explain that these new taxes will go towards an expanded preK program that will
include first and second grader “lifestyle costs.” The PostK Lifestyle Enhancement Program (PLEP) will ensure that
elementary school children are able to afford arts and cultural activities on
the weekends, and even bus trips to Longwood Gardens
The additional new tax
imposed on these products would ensure that almost every jam in the supermarket
would go way up in price except for a very small selection of highly expensive
organic jams, normally two or three times the price as fructose-ridden jams. The
net tax gain from the Gym-sponsored MSAP would go a long way to fund labor
intensive “I’m going to make you a genius”
(the slogan of MSAP’s city wide campaign) workshops throughout the Philadelphia
school district. Within a short amount
of time the Philly School system would see rapid improvement in the grades of
average students who wish to be gifted, and Ms. Gym will be awarded a ribbon in
City Hall. Yet at the end of the day
even this tax will not be enough. A movement will surface that will raise the
question: What about those mechanically inclined students who don’t wish to go
to college but who cannot find a trade school to polish their technical skills?
The Tech School
Star Launch (TSSL) will be proposed by Mayor Kenney at the beginning of his
second term. TSSL will help mechanically inclined students to make the most out
of their talents and it will also fund a city-wide public relations campaign to
help eliminate the charges of some that technical school isn’t as good as a
college education. Because TSSL would need substantial funding, Mayor Kenney,
with the assistance of Mark Squilla and Ms. Gym, will work on another food tax
levy. The focus this time will be processed meats, which can cause
hypertension, colon cancer and diabetes, three big No-No’s no matter how you
slice it. A hefty tax on processed meats will easily sail through by City
Council, but the bill will not include expensive organic meats, like Boar’s
Head products. When this tax, called The
Big Meat Levy (BML) is proposed there will be a huge uproar from Mom and
Pop food stores and mainstream, grocery chains. The outcry will be much like
the initial protest (years ago) when the sugary drink tax was first imposed.
Like then as now, the protest won’t mean a thing, City Hall will get what it
wants and in the end most processed meat (a variety of cheeses will be added at
midnight on the day before the singing of the bill) will be taxed.
In time, observers
will begin to see diminishing lines in city supermarkets but there will also be
increased auto traffic from Philly into New Jersey, Delaware and other
neighboring states that don’t have a Mayor Kenney or a Helen Gym in office.
Optimists will try to placate depressed consumers by pointing to all the foods
still left on the shelves that are not taxed, like Broccoli, Asparagus,
Brussels Sprouts, Lentils, Lima Beans,
Beets, Succotash, Eggplant and liver. Perhaps the biggest controversy will
occur when City Hall decides that even with all these new taxes, the money
netted from this bounty disappears too quickly
We still need money, the politicians will say, only this time we need it
for the sanitation department and to help keep city pensions afloat. A tax on
frozen chicken pot pies and frozen entrees, with their high amounts of sodium,
trans fats, steroids, hormones and cholesterol, will be imposed as a final
measure, with the mayor promising that this will be the last tax, “so help me
God.”
By this time, however,
most Philadelphians will be in the habit of leaving the city to shop. City Line
Avenue in Bala Cynwyd will be thick with clogged traffic as families drive back
and forth into Montgomery County to hit the big shopping malls. Philly grocery
stores will see profits slip as the lines in city markets become thinner and
thinner. Many will also opt to leave the city altogether. Mayor Kenney, at the
end of his second term, will balk at the mass exodus and try to impose an exit tax to penalize fleeing businesses
and residents. But in the end this will not work.
By this time, of
course, Helen Gym will have finished her terms and found a new political
opportunity in New York while ex-Mayor Kenney contemplates retirement in Palm
Beach. A new candidate for mayor, another product of the city’s political
machine, will promise 4 more years of continued growth and prosperity. She will
be elected, after which other taxes will be imposed until at last the city will
find itself on the brink of disaster. Many of the students who benefited from
the slew of programs under Mayor Kenney will now be struggling parents trying
to make ends meet. They will have no choice but to move to Pennsauken or
Audubon, New Jersey, far away from the towering image of Billy Penn on top of
City Hall.
Post Script: Shortly
after Denmark instituted a tax on sweet drinks in the 1930s, that country soon
realized it was losing millions of dollars in illegal soft drink sales, yet
they did nothing to repeal the law. Instead they imposed a 2.3% flat tax on
foods with saturated fat. What seemed like a quick fix was abolished in 15
months when it was revealed that less than 7 % of Danes had bothered to reduce
their fat intake and that most Danes were traveling to Germany and Sweden to do
their food shopping. In the end, Denmark decided to ditch both the soda tax and
the fat tax, and the Danes have been happy ever since.
